let us just embrace the fact that austere we just cannot be. hallelujah! we covet too much, we covet pretty modcloth vintage dresses on sale, we covet the next chocolate cake, we covet a shapely form, we covet coolth and mystique, we covet a thrilling, husky voice, we covet insight, knowledge and peace. let us also embrace the fact that we are profoundly lacking in the resources that would allow us to craft an entertaining comedy from the experiential abyss of our lives. to say things about life here, as we used to in the 2005s and the 06s and perhaps even the 07s and the 08s, served the purpose of coating life-as-it-was with a pleasing sort of gloss, heightening it's experiential value, pouring it into the tragic or meditative or ironic mode. one always desires to see life-as-it-really-is with two sets of eyes, doesn't one? there is the mundaneness and there are the little hidden gems one can extract from the usual dreary drudgery and use for fodder. we do want to see life-as-it-really-is made spectacular. profound even, but spectacular mostly. our losses are felt to be spectacular, our disappointments deep and cutting and tragic, our happiness most difficult to achieve and only momentary but utterly transforming. one knows there is nothing of this sort going on unless there comes a time when we make a supreme gesture and truly become who we are in our minds. we have set ourselves a course and we have been sticking to it for a long time now, mostly focusing entirely on ourselves and always on the lookout for others in dissonance with our rhythms, always keeping away, always trying very hard to suffer no losses. we are aware we will never enter into history. we will never enter into personal histories even. it is our covetous nature that ultimately saves us from wavering. there is still so much to walk through and walk past. we must find a mode in which to tell ourselves those stories, a series of pretty sentences can no longer do. in the absence of une grande passion there must be either fantastic ugliness or fascinating grace, nothing middling. nothing middling.